I'm Waiting.....!!

I am waiting.

Waiting for a sign.

Am I doing your will?

Did I hear you correctly?

What do you want from me?

I continue to get down on my knees and ask and beg and plead:

"Please show me what you want from me?"

Could it be that he wants me to suffer?

Could it be that my purpose is to hit my head against a big brick wall for eternity?

Today I have a car break down and a sump pump that started throwing water around.

Luckily, I have the money to fix these items and I had the time to deal with tow trucks and plumbers.

This is my purpose!  This is when I feel most empowered.

When I take care of my home and my family then I am empowered

Yet, that vision of me doing something great won't leave me.

So, is it my ego trying to create some worth for me or is it God?

If it is God then I need some clarity.

Day Who Cares: I Writing is on the Wall.

You may not want to read this.

I am a bit depressing.

Last week, I disappeared.

I lost it.

I binged, I faked it like I made it.

I spoke at a women's event and had the biggest group to attend.

One person left in the middle.

Most looked at me like I was nuts.

All ran out of the room as fast as they could.

Really, if God wants me to do this work then I believe he would let me in on how I do it.

I have a head ache from 7 years of ramming my head against a wall.

My sobriety from food comes first.

Yet, I am ashamed.

I promised my husband that I would do this work and I failed.

I invest monthly  a lot of money to do this work and I have suck at it.

yesterday when I returned from my speaking event, I wanted to cry yet I couldn't because I wasn't alone.

I can only cry when I am alone.  It really upsets my husband and he wants to go punch whoever hurt me.

So I prayed that this morning when I was alone, I could cry.

It took 2 hours to even begin then I fell back asleep and had a nighmare.

I was with a group of sorority sisters who I have not seen in years.

One, who was a real drama queen, refused to look at me.

when I asked, why she called me a murderer.

I denied it; I am not a murderer.  Everyone at the table turned against me.

I again, felt alone and hated.

I kept asking for an explanation.

These 2 men kept talking to me yet all I heard was jibberish.

One thing I did hear: I murdered Rhonda Britton.

What?  She is a famous life coach who is alive and well in California.

I woke up and cried because again, I felt so alone and so bewildered.

This all started about 6 days ago when I went for a walk with a friend who I have lost touch with.

Actually, this group of friends decided they no longer wanted to be friends with me and I didn't know why.

As the years went by, I wrote them letters, asking if we could talk, so that I could understand what I did to upset them.  The friends are (s) and (L)

One friend (L) returned with text and said we just lost touch.  No biggie.  Yet her husband (who I actually was closer to (B), had totally ostracized us from his life).

I was walking with the other friend (S) on Monday she said she regretted how our friendship had ended. Yet she felt like (L) needed her more than I did and she needed to side with her.

I felt so stupid saying "What did I do to (L)?"  How did I hurt her?  To this day I have no idea.

And that scares me.

What kind of person am I that I could be so cruel to someone and not even know what I did?

I question my ability to be a friend and then I believe I am presenting great content and people run out of the room.

I am crying right now because I feel so alone.

I can handle friends leaving me.  Yet, I cannot handle God turning his back on me and that is exactly what he has done.

Each day I get on my knees and ask: Show me what you want me to do?  Please give me a sign.

Silence is my answer.

Here we are, I am lucky quitting will bring more money into my family because I won't be spending it going to wasted events and useless marketing.

I am so lucky, I have what matters most: a loving marriage, loving family and health abounds.

So, what if I just cash in my chips and be grateful?

The world doesn't need another Oprah

Day 5: Confuscious say: the ego is trying to confuse you.

My brain feels like it is clutter with crap such as:

• Son: finding him a place to live during his internship, will the internship be a good fit, what will he do in the fall? Will he get a big boy job?  
• Daughter: wedding; what am I forgetting?  Is she really old enough to be a wife?
• Body: I do everything right yet I cannot get rid of this extra weight.
• Business: It is a mess.

Now I have a choice:

Option 1: continue to allow this crap to clutter my mind and steal my peace.  Benefits: somewhere deep inside I believe that worry = love.

Option 2: Turn it off by numbing out with television, food, napping.

Option 3: be very clear of my part and what is not my part and give the rest over to God and my guides.

I choose option #3 obviously.  So how do I make this work?

I have created a practice where I utilize my serenity sheet. 

Step 1: Write the worrisome event:  For my son I have a few items: Will the internship be a good fit:

Then below the event, I make two columns: what I control and what I don't control.

Under the what I control I write all the items that are within my control.  In this instance, not a whole lot is in my control except to make sure Austin knows how to get to his internship, where he can eat healthy meals, where is the laundromat.  

What I don't control: how people treat him, if he catches onto what is required. If he makes friends.

Then I tear the paper in half and I literally give the write side: what I do not control to God and my guides by putting them in my God box.  

Finally, I picture him happy, protected and flourishing.

Day 4: The bitch REALLy is a bitch.

Well, that bitch in my brain is really a bitch.

She has proved to not be one to put in the forefront.

She is not my armor.

She is actually a mean girl who pretended to be nice to me so she could work on shattering my heart.

Nice try...

This intuitve healer and I just don't see eye to eye and it is not the first time.

So, why would I return to her?

Because I believed something was wrong with me.

I MUST have misunderstood her.

Not that maybe she and I just don't click for whatever reason.

Although I do believe this bitch is really just a baby who wants her way of comfort and familiarity, she cannot run my life anymore.

Yet, I must take this one day at a time.

I commit to only today.

My head has been swirling.  I have disjointed thoughts and my actions as a result are disjointed.

The only way to heal is walking through it.  A kinder and gentler way does not exist.

Face her head on and lovingly put a gag on her mouth.

Just for today.

Day 3: That bitch in my brain is actually my beloved?

yesterday, I visited an intuitive healer and what came from that session confused the crap out of me.

That bitch, you know the one that is telling me that I cannot be successful is actually my beloved.

What?

I am still working to wrap my head around it.

The healer asked me: "What do  you want to do with her?"

I responded: be her mama bear?  Made sense given my discoveries from yesterday.

Healer: Uh no; she needs no mama bear. She is pretty damn strong.  She has been protecting you for over 43 years.

Me: Then why is she such a bitch?

Healer: Actually, you have not been listening to her deeply.

Me: You are crazy lady!  This bitch wants me to fold and go in the corner and just evaporate into the creases of life.

Healer: Just sit with this ok?

So I went home and sat with her and then this morning I pulled out my journal and asked her.

"What are you doing? You keep telling me I am not good enough to be successful.  So, how can your protection be good for me if you are keeping me from my God-Given Purpose?"

She responded: "You have been missing some crucial words in my communication:"

1. I love you and would die for you.  I am your mama bear; the one your mother could not be.

2. What you have not heard: without me in the forefront you cannot succeed.

HUH?

She continued: I am your armor. I keep you protected from the criticism that would hurt you.  Oh the criticism will still show up yet, I keep it from affecting you.  I help you respond in a way that moves your forward.

You know how you are such a people pleaser and are afraid of rocking the boat?  Well I am that lifesaver.

Day 2: Becoming Mama Bear

Yesterday my coach reminded me how protective I am with my children.

So when dealing with these I am a failure thoughts; why wouldn't I fight against them as I would if  these were adversaries hurting my children?

A lack of self-love and buy in.

I bought into this belief for so long.  In fact, these thoughts and obsessions and worries are instrumental in my addiction to food.

The binges shut up my mind.

However, it would come back with a vengeance.  Just another way to beat the crap out of me.

Still, like the adults of my childhood, I did nothing to protect myself or to fight back.

Rather, I believe this crap.

Even as I went into recovery with my food addiction, the thoughts stayed.  Now that I no longer used food to block them; I decided to prove my worth.

This "I am good enough" facade led to 20 pounds returning even though I was not bingeing. I was excercising.   I was connected to spirit.

My body was reacting AS IF I was bingeing due to the thoughts I was thinking.

The fat comes on as protection since I was doing nothing to protect myself from my thoughts.

Today, mama bear is back.

I am fiercely protective of my children.  When my son was diagnosed with autism at 3 years of age; I remember being relieved because someone actually believed me.

I also remember hugging him and whispering that I would make sure he had every opportunity available.

I fought for him in IEPs.

I fought for him to play sports like "typical" kids.

I fought my husband when I knew the best place for him was a boarding school for kids with learning disabilities.

I didn't fight alone.  My husband was right by my side and as a result, my son is graduating with honors from college in a few weeks.

I am sad today.

Sad that I didn't seem to feel I was worthy to fight for.

Just like I hoped that a DIEt would squash my food addiction, I wanted to believe that hard work would squash that "you suck at business voice."

Obviously, DIEting only made me more addicted and hard work only burnt me out.

So, mama bear claws are out.

Time to fight for me.

Day 1: I am addicted to failing

You are reading a top secret mission.

A mission that I am too embarrassed to share.

A mission that puts me in an unflattering light.

Yet, I am at a breaking point; it is do or die.

I am addicted to sucking at my business.

Just as my addiction to food; I didn't want to have it.  I didn't want to eat 4 rolls of lifesavers in 10 minutes.  Yet those lifesavers felt like a lifesaver.

In February 2009, I believed the only way to end my pain was to end my life.

Now, in April 2017, I believe the only way to end my pain is to end my business.

Over at www.savoryou.com I share all about my addiction to food, my recovery and how I help others heal their relationship with food.

What I have realized today is that I am addicted to my thoughts of failing in my business.

By doing this business I have lost:

* Life long friends.
* My recovery at times.
* over 100,000 dollars.
* my integrity
* my peace of mind.

I have friends who ask me "Why do you do this if it makes your miserable?"

I wonder that everyday as well.

I also cuss out God; sharing that he is cruel to give me such a desire and then to ensure that I suck.

Today, I am seeing that God may not be the issue at all that actually, I AM or rather, my addiction to worry and to the story that I cannot succeed in business IS the issue.

That no matter what I do; nothing will work.

I create content, yet no one reads it responds to it or shares it.

I thought that maybe God was right; I sucked at this and I need to go into the background and just be a support to my family.


This addiction to my thoughts mirror the addiction to food.

You cannot swear off food and your cannot swear off thinking.

I took this to God via my journal:

Maureen, give it to me.  Give me all these thoughts.