Day 1: I am addicted to failing

You are reading a top secret mission.

A mission that I am too embarrassed to share.

A mission that puts me in an unflattering light.

Yet, I am at a breaking point; it is do or die.

I am addicted to sucking at my business.

Just as my addiction to food; I didn't want to have it.  I didn't want to eat 4 rolls of lifesavers in 10 minutes.  Yet those lifesavers felt like a lifesaver.

In February 2009, I believed the only way to end my pain was to end my life.

Now, in April 2017, I believe the only way to end my pain is to end my business.

Over at www.savoryou.com I share all about my addiction to food, my recovery and how I help others heal their relationship with food.

What I have realized today is that I am addicted to my thoughts of failing in my business.

By doing this business I have lost:

* Life long friends.
* My recovery at times.
* over 100,000 dollars.
* my integrity
* my peace of mind.

I have friends who ask me "Why do you do this if it makes your miserable?"

I wonder that everyday as well.

I also cuss out God; sharing that he is cruel to give me such a desire and then to ensure that I suck.

Today, I am seeing that God may not be the issue at all that actually, I AM or rather, my addiction to worry and to the story that I cannot succeed in business IS the issue.

That no matter what I do; nothing will work.

I create content, yet no one reads it responds to it or shares it.

I thought that maybe God was right; I sucked at this and I need to go into the background and just be a support to my family.


This addiction to my thoughts mirror the addiction to food.

You cannot swear off food and your cannot swear off thinking.

I took this to God via my journal:

Maureen, give it to me.  Give me all these thoughts.