Yesterday my coach reminded me how protective I am with my children.
So when dealing with these I am a failure thoughts; why wouldn't I fight against them as I would if these were adversaries hurting my children?
A lack of self-love and buy in.
I bought into this belief for so long. In fact, these thoughts and obsessions and worries are instrumental in my addiction to food.
The binges shut up my mind.
However, it would come back with a vengeance. Just another way to beat the crap out of me.
Still, like the adults of my childhood, I did nothing to protect myself or to fight back.
Rather, I believe this crap.
Even as I went into recovery with my food addiction, the thoughts stayed. Now that I no longer used food to block them; I decided to prove my worth.
This "I am good enough" facade led to 20 pounds returning even though I was not bingeing. I was excercising. I was connected to spirit.
My body was reacting AS IF I was bingeing due to the thoughts I was thinking.
The fat comes on as protection since I was doing nothing to protect myself from my thoughts.
Today, mama bear is back.
I am fiercely protective of my children. When my son was diagnosed with autism at 3 years of age; I remember being relieved because someone actually believed me.
I also remember hugging him and whispering that I would make sure he had every opportunity available.
I fought for him in IEPs.
I fought for him to play sports like "typical" kids.
I fought my husband when I knew the best place for him was a boarding school for kids with learning disabilities.
I didn't fight alone. My husband was right by my side and as a result, my son is graduating with honors from college in a few weeks.
I am sad today.
Sad that I didn't seem to feel I was worthy to fight for.
Just like I hoped that a DIEt would squash my food addiction, I wanted to believe that hard work would squash that "you suck at business voice."
Obviously, DIEting only made me more addicted and hard work only burnt me out.
So, mama bear claws are out.
Time to fight for me.
OMG, I love this. Such a powerful connection: The fat comes on as protection since I was doing nothing to protect myself from my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteRemember that it so often seems easier to see the good and worthiness in others, to be able to name their gifts, to cheer them up and fight for them. I love your daily commitment here to find it in yourself. Mama bear's claws are definitely out, and in the most protective, loving, fierce way.