Day Who Cares: I Writing is on the Wall.

You may not want to read this.

I am a bit depressing.

Last week, I disappeared.

I lost it.

I binged, I faked it like I made it.

I spoke at a women's event and had the biggest group to attend.

One person left in the middle.

Most looked at me like I was nuts.

All ran out of the room as fast as they could.

Really, if God wants me to do this work then I believe he would let me in on how I do it.

I have a head ache from 7 years of ramming my head against a wall.

My sobriety from food comes first.

Yet, I am ashamed.

I promised my husband that I would do this work and I failed.

I invest monthly  a lot of money to do this work and I have suck at it.

yesterday when I returned from my speaking event, I wanted to cry yet I couldn't because I wasn't alone.

I can only cry when I am alone.  It really upsets my husband and he wants to go punch whoever hurt me.

So I prayed that this morning when I was alone, I could cry.

It took 2 hours to even begin then I fell back asleep and had a nighmare.

I was with a group of sorority sisters who I have not seen in years.

One, who was a real drama queen, refused to look at me.

when I asked, why she called me a murderer.

I denied it; I am not a murderer.  Everyone at the table turned against me.

I again, felt alone and hated.

I kept asking for an explanation.

These 2 men kept talking to me yet all I heard was jibberish.

One thing I did hear: I murdered Rhonda Britton.

What?  She is a famous life coach who is alive and well in California.

I woke up and cried because again, I felt so alone and so bewildered.

This all started about 6 days ago when I went for a walk with a friend who I have lost touch with.

Actually, this group of friends decided they no longer wanted to be friends with me and I didn't know why.

As the years went by, I wrote them letters, asking if we could talk, so that I could understand what I did to upset them.  The friends are (s) and (L)

One friend (L) returned with text and said we just lost touch.  No biggie.  Yet her husband (who I actually was closer to (B), had totally ostracized us from his life).

I was walking with the other friend (S) on Monday she said she regretted how our friendship had ended. Yet she felt like (L) needed her more than I did and she needed to side with her.

I felt so stupid saying "What did I do to (L)?"  How did I hurt her?  To this day I have no idea.

And that scares me.

What kind of person am I that I could be so cruel to someone and not even know what I did?

I question my ability to be a friend and then I believe I am presenting great content and people run out of the room.

I am crying right now because I feel so alone.

I can handle friends leaving me.  Yet, I cannot handle God turning his back on me and that is exactly what he has done.

Each day I get on my knees and ask: Show me what you want me to do?  Please give me a sign.

Silence is my answer.

Here we are, I am lucky quitting will bring more money into my family because I won't be spending it going to wasted events and useless marketing.

I am so lucky, I have what matters most: a loving marriage, loving family and health abounds.

So, what if I just cash in my chips and be grateful?

The world doesn't need another Oprah